


A Beautiful Tragedy

by Tsukiyo_Spelldust



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-21 11:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10684290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsukiyo_Spelldust/pseuds/Tsukiyo_Spelldust
Summary: Once again, I lay awake trying to shush to intrusive thoughts that always plague me but somehow tonight they are different. Tonight I feel a subtle ache in my chest that catches me off guard every time I draw in a breath. The ache makes me wish I didn't have to breathe because I hate the discomfort it’s causing me.





	A Beautiful Tragedy

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [And Now When I See You...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9694076) by [TonySawicki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki). 



> And a song called Beautiful Tragedy by In This Moment, which I listened to while reading TonySawicki's story. Thanks so very much for the inspiration! I also posted this on my deviant art along with a cover I made (because I'm silly and like making fanfiction covers). 
> 
> http://tsukiyospelldust.deviantart.com/art/A-Beautiful-Tragedy-Oneshot-Cover-676104699
> 
> Also this is the first time I've ever wrote a DIR fic before so I hope whoever reads this enjoys.

 

 

Once again, I lay awake trying to shush to intrusive thoughts that always plague me but somehow tonight they are different. Tonight I feel a subtle ache in my chest that catches me off guard every time I draw in a breath. The ache makes me wish I didn't have to breathe because I hate the discomfort it’s causing me. The thoughts are more rapid because deep down I know exactly why I'm hurting the way I am. I'm trying to bury the person’s name and face so I can sleep, but I know I can't. The more I deny it the more my heart and my entire being feels like it will shatter. I wish I had never stopped to talk, I wish I had stopped him from saying those damning words, because now they are killing me – killing us slowly every day.

I can't pretend and act like I don't long for him because I do. I care for him and part of me was extremely happy he confessed his feelings for me – but our relationship is something that can't be. What would happen within the band when we decided to end it? Would we be able to continue as if nothing happened? Maybe I could, then again maybe we both could, Die and I both seem to be able to carry on in denial....

Yet the more I lay here and acknowledge these emotions, these feelings welling up deep within, threatening to spill forth from me in the form of tears – I willingly want to rush forth and collide into the inevitable demise that I know will become of us. I would happily bleed if it meant that I could have one moment of blissful happiness with him, even if it's brief. I lay here clutching my bedding trying to fight what I am feeling because it hurts to feel. It has always hurt to feel but his words echo so loudly in my head. His smile, his eyes, his laugh why does it all torment me when all I want is peace?

“Stop it.” I called into the emptiness of my darkened room, trying to push the torment I feel away. Push it back deep into the abysmal depths as far as I can just for a moment's respite, yet I knew it wouldn't budge. It's getting harder to breathe, this time my breaths feel so shallow like I am being suffocated by my own sorrows and the love I feel all at the same time. It's like a melody trying to soothe and wash away the despair softly, but even the love I feel can't make the anguish subside.

It's not his fault, no it never was Die's fault, part of me feels miserable for him. What is he feeling? Is he just as tormented by this as I am? Is it killing him the same way it's killing me? I close my eyes tight and I can see him looking at me, smiling like he always does – it's driving me insane and I'm not sure how much of this I can take.

In my mind's eye, I reach for him silently, pleading for us to run away. Run away to be together in the way we so desperately want. The more I think about it the more it's dragging up the more negative emotions I'm feeling. What is hope? What is love even? Why does loving someone so much end up causing so much pain? I'm fighting with myself, ripping and clawing the flesh from the inside - but if I say those words nothing good will come from them.

The tears are falling more now and wetting my pillow as I slam my fist hard onto the mattress to alleviate the emotional pressure I am feeling. He's going to kill me in the most beautiful and painful way imaginable. Die's going to end me just because he confessed he loved me and I'm too cowardly to reciprocate his affections.

Would I be saving him if I didn't tell him how I felt? Would I be hurting him? I don't want to hurt him, yet I feel no matter what situation came to pass it would end the same – both of us wounded and emotionally destroyed. But isn't that what love is? Something that is so beautiful, so wonderful it tears you to shreds when it all comes crashing to its destined end, leaving behind a bloody trail of broken hearts and promises.

I find myself becoming increasingly calmer as I release these pent up revelations. They flow forth one after the other like a baptism. The more frequent they are, the more I find myself coming to terms with saying what I want to say even if I can't directly say it to him. Maybe if I say it behind these four walls, I'll be forgiven and the agony will stop. If I say it aloud to myself, maybe the burden will be lifted off my chest and my breathing will become easier.

“What I can't say to you… I'll say with you in mind,” I whisper in the darkness, “Forgive me, I love you Die. Forgive me for being a coward. Forgive me for not telling you at all.”

The words that left my lips tasted so sweet, yet held a bitter anguishing bite afterward. I felt relieved even though in the back of my mind I could still feel the despair lingering. Sleep was upon me finally and my eyes were slowly closing, but I knew tomorrow night it would all come crashing back a hundred times harder. Like a letter sent from a lover, like a call from outside your window accompanied with poison and a dagger – a tragedy so sweet yet so beautiful.

 


End file.
